by Bucky Rogers
Founder and Executive Director of Benjamin House Ministries
I wish I had more faith…
Why is it that we, who have been given everything we need in Christ, bought from death, sealed by the Holy Spirit, living a life of joy and happiness and hope, experiencing that God has always been and will always be faithful, and awaiting an eternity in paradise with Him…………still doubt?
Why can’t I simply wake up every morning and trust that the needs that God shows me today, He will provide for in His time and in His way? Why can’t I rest in His promise that He has all this in His hands? Why does restlessness and helplessness and anxiety seem to be in my shadow? I’ve seen Him do it! I’ve witnessed the nearly visible hand of God right in front of me a hundred times! I know…I KNOW who He is and what He has promised. Why do I still wonder?
When I’m looking at a sea of faces of kids at a local school I chaplain, why do I give in to fear that they will turn aside from the Word and just continue the cycle that has been destroying the family in Uganda? Why can’t I remember the examples of the ones who are steadfastly following Jesus and are going to make a difference…or think of Charles or Joakim or others on our staff who are breaking that cycle and leading others to do the same? I want my first thought to be a thought of encouragement, remembering a young man who used to be Muslim and is now being baptized on Christmas to publically profess his faith.
There’s a computer program that we use to track our giving for Benjamin House. The front page has a chart that tracks giving over time. I check it every day. Every…day. Why can’t I just trust that God has called us to this and He will provide every cent we need to accomplish the goal? Why does my heart skip a beat when I log in and notice the giving trend going down, or when I get an email from someone saying they’re discontinuing their giving. I’ve seen it before, and God always does something incredible and it goes back up. Why can’t I rest in that?
I want my kids to know their father trusts THE Father. No matter what. Now I just have to work to become that man. I identify with Peter more than I ever thought I did before. Everything in me wants to jump out of the boat at every instance. I want to be where Jesus is, on the front lines, in the middle of the dirt and the pain with Him. But before I take the 3rd step, I’m looking to the right and to the left to make sure nothing’s gonna hit me.
I have to be real. No plastic smiles here. Things are hard. And we go through days that we feel like we’ve been trudging through mud for so long that we can’t take another step. Then I get a message like this:
“I’m thinking about you all this morning, we miss each of you so much! I’m especially missing just hanging out at the Rogers house and see all of the beautiful Christmas decorations and decorating Christmas cookies. But I’m so grateful for the work you are doing in Uganda and seeing all of the updates on each step of this journey God is bringing you though (especially the recent ground breaking!). We pray for you but I’m spending some extra time lifting you up this morning, as I know the enemy tries to discourage and tear you down, I pray for strength, endurance, and Gods peace as you all are on the front lines. Thank you for being such an incredible example and blessing to so many we love y’all!”
So, I’ll continue to echo the man in the Gospels who said, “I believe Lord, help my unbelief.” I’ll continue to lean on the Church as she continues to be what God has called her to be. I’ll continue to wrestle Brennan, beat the girls off Inno, watch Sasha tackle manhood, keep Xan from having a heart attack, tickle my Becca-boo, and keep the ice trays filled for my lovely Julie. I’ll look into the eyes of the thousands, remembering the dozens that God has already worked miracles in, and we’ll keep walking by faith.
Pray for us. Pray that we will be able to take a step in the dark not knowing where our foot will land but trusting that the one who made it all and who loves us completely will be guiding that foot to a perfect and solid place. Pray that our hearts will remain steadfast and encouraged. Pray for the days when the dust seems too think, the air too hot, the roads too bumpy, and the language too hard. Pray for us to remember that each day is a gift and a responsibility and no matter what happens, we’re saved and heaven is waiting. This life is a blip on the screen, and I pray we’ll be faithful with this moment.
Bucky, Julie, and the Benjamin House Team
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Bucky Rogers, Benjamin House staff, and short-term missionaries